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TORI|as REAL as it gets|dopeassmothafukkka(:

24th January 2012

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2AM thoughts

So i just took my medicine, and im probably going to knock out soon. But I’m going to try to write all that’s on my mind before that happeneds >

18th January 2012

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is there a way out ?

is there a way out ?

18th January 2012

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Dear Xan

This is the last time ill ever think of you..
Long ago, you were my best friend, and the only person i ever trusted. You knew me when I was going through a really bad time, and you helped me through it. Where are you now ?

I hate you for abandoning our friendship.. you are one of the many reasons why I will always have my guard up. I trusted you, I flew to Kauai to fricken visit your ass, I even paid for your ticket to come to Oahu so i could see you & this is what I get ?! You ignored me for months, i sent you so much fucking messages telling you i missed you, and i loved you and all i wanted was to have my friend back! and out of the blue you decide to tell me goodbye ?!

If i had a choice, i would forget all about you ! promise’s are made to be broken, and bonds forged between people are temporary. You & so many other assholes have taught me to watch my own back.
So if you’re wondering why im such a dick, its because im looking out for myself first. Because at the end of the day, all I have is myself.

Xan, you probably never gave a fuck, at this point it wont matter. We were best friends & you started to ignore me to prove something to your stupid ass girlfriend (which by the way if you ever read this fuck you) & i kept trying to contact you. The truth is, i wanted to believe she was making you ignore me, i wanted to believe you would never do that to me.. but in reality you ment every second of the pain you have caused me.

I’ll take this as a lesson, ill never let my guard down for anyone again.

14th January 2012

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ill never be the same .

25th December 2011

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its all about the look

Is there anyone on this planet thar wants to get to know me ?! Not, stare at my face & try to make moves on me. Honestly, I feel like I cant trust anyone, what if they just want to use me.
It’s hard making real friends…

Anyhow merry Christmas,i dont think this one can be as bad as my last one lol at least i got to party!

5th December 2011

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thoughts

i love everything about you, and as many times as i see you in a day,I’ll always be happy each time.
I’m the type of person who likes to give, I’m very honest & always straight up. I’ll tell you my feelings because I want you to know, how else would you know? i know you’re not a mind reader, so i tell you how much i appreciate you & how glad I am to be with you. I never do nice things in hopes to get something in return, but i hope when the time comes you’ll be there for me too.
But that isnt the case, I am last on your priority list. I understand they’re more things to think about then me. But would it hurt to consider my feelings too?
I want to stay with you, & I want to understand the way you’re thinking right now. You’re a good person, and I know you would never intentionally try to make me feel this way.
You know, its harder for me to not care, then it is for me to care. I actually like making people happy in general.. including you. But sometimes you need to save yourself for people who deserve it. And i need to remember to not put my all in it. To me, it feels half ass, and dishonest. It feels like I’m trying to be someone I’m not, I dont like it. But thats obviously what I need to do.. its so hard, the more time I spend with you, the more I want to give. Its a very shitty feeling..

30th November 2011

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5am thoughts

No matter how many cuts my fingers get, or bruise & burns my legs, and arms have it will never compare to the hurt I feel everyday .
I hate watching my friends ruin themselves. Some get addicted to drugs, and waste their talent that they have worked years to perfect.
Others, letting their past & every other nobody tell them they can’t go anywhere in life. My help for my friends can only go so far, and I’m starting to realize that..as much as I love them, and hope/want the best for them it’ll never happen unless they want it themselves. They will do what they want to do regardless of what I tell them, people need to realize on their own..
And maybe that’s why I’m not doing anything with my life right now, I’m focused on everyone else’s shit, but my own.
What do i want, what do i live for & what’re my goals. I need to figure out my plan for life, i need to think about myself for once.

So that being said I am going to sleep because my meds are kicking in.

18th November 2011

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stuck at home.

So ive good a lot on my mind lately, and since i just sold my car ive been stuck at home.. blah honestly ive been feelinv pretty shitty. I’ve been away from my boyfriend for two days & I’m already missing him so much..but he doesnt have times for me, he can’t even text me back. Sometimes I check my phone and its 6 hours later & i still dont get a reply. If he’s busy, cant he just say.. it doesn’t take much effort to just let me know whats going on. Maybe even just one phone call? makes me feel like im on the backburner all the time..seriously. Ive been having a hard time getting around, and idk i wish he would help me out.. getting to work is hard & i would never ask him for rides & whatever but if he offered it would be nice..
you know i thought we were so perfect for each other…but im finding im not patient enough to deal with this. Im trying very hard, but if i have to try this hard to not bring up problems and stuff maybe this isnt for me? im not sure, you should be able to tell your other half anything right? even if your insecurities are silly in their eyes i would expect some comfort, i feel like i have no emotional support. I feel like im by myself honestly. I want to be able to talk about my problems & i cant do that in my current relationship. At this point i feel like I could just cry all day, I miss my friends but i know I cant trust most of them with anything. And I’ve been meaning to write out a blog to all the people ive lost just to give myself some closure, not that i think any of them will read anything but its just for me.

30th October 2011

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maybe this time..

I can be happy ?

When I’m not with him, I miss him so much. Being around him makes me only want to be happy. It’s crazy, but we click so well together.

It’s been awhile, but I’m honestly so content, & happy.

24th October 2011

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Just a heads up .

I am DONE proving I am a good friend. I would give anything to help my friends because they are my number one love in life. But if you guys dont know by now that im %100 down for you all then screw it.
I cant keep stretching myself so thin trying to prove to everyone that im there for them.
What about when I need something ?

The other night, I went to a club for a friends birthday. A grown ass man threw himself on me & after I pushed him off only ONE friend stood up for me & got kicked out in the process.
And i stayed with him outside because I didnt think it would be right to stay in there when one of my friends got kicked out defending me. The other crap load of friends that were with us didnt come outside & didnt want to relocate. If you were one of those friends, I’m very disappointed in you. Thought my friends were there for me, but obviously not. But i do feel it is berter to experience this now then later, but im not going to lie it does hurt very much.
So if you want to be my friend please just appreciate me.